The True Story of Mary Magdalene.

This has been tormenting me since it popped out in my mind and I feel worst about writing it down. God please forgive but I have to speak the truth.  I finally found out the real story about Mary Magdalene:  This stupid holy bitch ruined it all for womankind.  I get all figured it out!!!

Last night I had a little crash about being away from home and I decided to call some people.  I have been gone for only one week and it felt soooo weird. I couldn’t figure it out if it was like I haven’t even left yet or, you know, like I never lived there at all.

Anyway, I cried big time for like 10 minutes, sobbing and all, and being like “a Magdalene”…. And then I looked in the mirror and I saw it all clear and crystal:  the bloody Da vinci Code was right, or at least it reaaaaly looked like.

This guy, lets call him The Thirty-third so my condemnation ends up some time before the eternity, was totally doing her.  But being this super blessed creature, they had to hide it so he can perform. If anyone knew he was using his energy on midnight displays with her, no one could possible believe any miracle.  And she, well, she was blindly inlove, didn’t care about any labels as long as they were together: “You know, after all he had been through, hiding from Erodes, lost in the temple, loosing his carpenter job to go spread God’s word…… his is not ready for a real relationship”.

Oh God, I can picture her washing his robes and writing his speeches.  She even had to look Mary and Joseph in the face and tell them not to worry ‘cause they were only friends (of course the knew their son was totally doing her).  Imagine Lazarus’s sisters telling her to back off (“as long as you are ok sweetie we support you, but we don’t think he should be hiding you”).  And what to say about the 12 “buddies”; a couple of them probably wanted get lucky with her and kept advising her to leave him (“you are a wonderful woman, he doesn’t deserve you”).  Of course they all knew what was going on, but the Thirty-third didn’t want to kiss her in public to keep up with the appearances.

Anyway, don’t worry my girlfriend.  If out there, there is an abusive guy giving you the crappiest relationship you have ever had, is not your fault.  Blame Mary Magdalena, for not being able stand up for herself and show him the finger when hi didn’t want to take her to the Cana Wedding.  Get a new pair of balls, could be any sport, as long as you can hold on to them very hard, and go tell your guy to fuck up and go transfigure him self another girlfriend ‘cause you are moving on.  And in Jesus own words, “you go and love that hot neighbor of yours as yourself”, or something like that.